Top 5 Rules for Men’s Restroom in the Workplace

Those of you who are lucky enough to work form home do not get the pleasure of watching men in one of their most disgusting habitats – the workplace restroom. I’m not sure how it happens, but when men walk into an office bathroom, we lose both our common sense and decorum. 

I’ve been working in an office setting for the better part of my 17 years in IT, and I can safely say that men are just plain disgusting when at work – we seem to not give a shit about other men in the restroom. I can only speak for the men, as I don’t remember the last time I was in a women’s restroom (and if I did remember, I wouldn’t admit it).

When I see men breaking my rules in the restroom, I feel like I’m getting Punk’d by Ashton Kutcher, waiting for him to jump out of the 2nd stall, reassuring me that everything is OK and we can grab a beer with Justin Timberlake.

Sadly, Ashton never shows up.

And don’t think that I’m being prude or all “high and mighty”. I can fart, burp, and gross out with the best of them. I’m talking about certain activities that men do in the restrooms where they seem to think they’re part of a fraternity and all men are invited.

I’m here to declare that all men should follow these rules when “doing their business” in the workplace restroom. At the very least, make an attempt – it builds character…and slightly restores my faith in humanity.
Rule #1: Wash your hands when you’re done! – I wish I could say this is the default rule and doesn’t need to be specified, but unfortunately I can’t. I’ve seen it too many times. And men, don’t say “wow, that’s nasty” when I fart in the restroom and then you walk out without washing. I’ll hunt you down and “crop-dust” my farts as I walk past your cubicle.

Rule #2: There will be no cell phone conversations from the stalls – If I can’t take a crap on the conference room table during your Powerpoint presentation, you can’t discuss how to “synergize interactive platforms” in the restroom stall.

Rule #3: No handshakes, EVER!! – The restroom is NOT a place to network for a new sales lead. The only shaking allowed is two shakes to “finish the job”.

Rule #4: No drinking out of the faucet! – This isn’t Uncle Fred’s farm where you get water out of the well. There’s a water fountain right outside the door – use it like normal people.

Rule #5: There will not be any announcing of the completion, or incompletion, of bodily functions – Don’t announce that you have some pee running down your pants and onto your leg. I’m going to assume that women don’t do this, and if they do, they’re not real women.

Bonus Rule: Talking from the stalls is strictly prohibited – it’s a place to take a shit, not a confessional.

I would love to hear some of your rules, especially the ladies.

One Comment

  1. Comment by Demelza:

    1. Hang up your phone. We don’t care if ShaQuisha looked at yer man or that your baby-daddy didn’t show.
    2. Wash your damn hands. You know who you are on the 7th floor…
    3. This is not your personal bathroom – put the make-up, curling iron, tweezers and hairspray away.
    4. Adjust your panties in the stall. You don’t need a mirror for that shit.
    5. Talking from the stalls is prohibited. Asking for a sanitary item is NOT OK. BYOT.

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