Top 5 Rules for Men’s Restroom in the Workplace

Posted January 6, 2014 By Ron Wheeler

Those of you who are lucky enough to work form home do not get the pleasure of watching men in one of their most disgusting habitats – the workplace restroom. I’m not sure how it happens, but when men walk into an office bathroom, we lose both our common sense and decorum. 

I’ve been working in an office setting for the better part of my 17 years in IT, and I can safely say that men are just plain disgusting when at work – we seem to not give a shit about other men in the restroom. I can only speak for the men, as I don’t remember the last time I was in a women’s restroom (and if I did remember, I wouldn’t admit it).

When I see men breaking my rules in the restroom, I feel like I’m getting Punk’d by Ashton Kutcher, waiting for him to jump out of the 2nd stall, reassuring me that everything is OK and we can grab a beer with Justin Timberlake.

Sadly, Ashton never shows up.

And don’t think that I’m being prude or all “high and mighty”. I can fart, burp, and gross out with the best of them. I’m talking about certain activities that men do in the restrooms where they seem to think they’re part of a fraternity and all men are invited.

I’m here to declare that all men should follow these rules when “doing their business” in the workplace restroom. At the very least, make an attempt – it builds character…and slightly restores my faith in humanity.
Rule #1: Wash your hands when you’re done! – I wish I could say this is the default rule and doesn’t need to be specified, but unfortunately I can’t. I’ve seen it too many times. And men, don’t say “wow, that’s nasty” when I fart in the restroom and then you walk out without washing. I’ll hunt you down and “crop-dust” my farts as I walk past your cubicle.

Rule #2: There will be no cell phone conversations from the stalls – If I can’t take a crap on the conference room table during your Powerpoint presentation, you can’t discuss how to “synergize interactive platforms” in the restroom stall.

Rule #3: No handshakes, EVER!! – The restroom is NOT a place to network for a new sales lead. The only shaking allowed is two shakes to “finish the job”.

Rule #4: No drinking out of the faucet! – This isn’t Uncle Fred’s farm where you get water out of the well. There’s a water fountain right outside the door – use it like normal people.

Rule #5: There will not be any announcing of the completion, or incompletion, of bodily functions – Don’t announce that you have some pee running down your pants and onto your leg. I’m going to assume that women don’t do this, and if they do, they’re not real women.

Bonus Rule: Talking from the stalls is strictly prohibited – it’s a place to take a shit, not a confessional.

I would love to hear some of your rules, especially the ladies.

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Wait…What are you doing?

Posted January 1, 2014 By Ron Wheeler

Overheard last week in the grocery store – the names have been changed to protect the stupid:

some_guy1: “What’s up dude? Haven’t seen you in a while – what are you up to?”

some_guy2: “Not much, this and that…I started a new blog.”

some_guy1: “A blog? What the hell do you know about blogging?”

some_guy2: “Nothing – but I’m going to put some ads on the site to generate cash. I have to find a way to pay for my DUI.”

 

Some of you will react as above with “What do you know about blogging?” Nothing, that’s why I started this blog–to learn and have fun! A lot of people start a blog to find their voice. I already have a voice, I just want more people to hear my bitching and complaining.

I see tons of stupid shit all day: at work, in public, and online. My wife thinks I’m watching porn, but I’m actually reading blogs–about porn!

<WHEELER – get to the point!!>

So I thought to myself – I could probably do this. I’m a techie, gadget, software, gaming, dorky kinda guy who has a tilted sense of humor–and nothing but contempt for stupidity and anything lacking common sense. That’s what I’ll write about – with a mixture of anger, denial, and childish behavior.

There’s still some dust and clutter from the initial setup, so you might see some minor changes in the coming weeks.

So…get in, sit down, and buckle up. Let’s see how far I get without brakes. 

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